What Is Differentiation?
Differentiation of Self: Q&A
You might be asking: What is Differentiation, and how can it help?
Well, I’m glad you’re here.
Let’s start with a question.
Q: What gives you the ability to remain an autonomous individual, living in accordance with your own values and ethical principles while being in relationships with others and the society in which you reside?
A: Differentiation
Differentiation is a term used in psychology to describe the importance of being an emotionally separated person from those around you so that you can think, feel, and act for yourself. By definition, “The ability to be in emotional contact with others yet still autonomous in one’s own emotional functioning is the essence of the concept of differentiation.” (Kerr & Bowen, 1988).
Simply put, being differentiated means you are able to be yourself around others without compromising who you are.
Q: Is there an area in your life where you are adopting the thoughts, feelings or actions of others?
Think for a moment.
Are you anxious or angry because the person sitting next to you is? Are you doing things that “aren’t you?”
If the answer is yes, keep reading.
Q: Why does this happen? Why do I do things that I know “aren’t like me?”
A: One answer could be because of Emotional Fusion.
Emotional Fusion (EF) is the tendency to unconsciously imitate the thoughts, feelings, and actions of others. As a result, one can feel lost or stuck. EF is emotional togetherness without the freedom of individuality or Differentiation. EF is a byproduct of unhealthy attachment and has roots in childhood stress. When unhealthy attachment develops, it can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, or addiction.
Many who are in quarantine due to COVID-19 might relate.
Because there is little separation from one or more family members and a great deal of uncertainty this year, there’s an unconscious need for comfort and certainty. If an individual cannot provide such for themselves (which is very hard to do in 2020), one might seek our familiarity by adopting the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of another for “direction.”
Sometimes, when someone feels uncertain, struggles with emptiness, or feels as though they are not good enough, there's a necessary requirement to cope. If the coping is Emotional Fusion, then there needs to be a reset.
If this topic resonates with you on any level, take the next five minutes to relax and breathe deeply. Reconnect with mind, body, and heart.
What do you love?
Put on your favorite song, dance your favorite move, and drink your favorite tea. Celebrate your individuality!
Now create a new moment, a new opportunity, to remember who you are, what you believe, and how you want to act in accordance with your values, wants and ethical principles, while maintaining healthy relationships.
If this topic interests you, you can read Differentiation of Self: Bowen Family Systems Theory Perspectives. You may also consider individual therapy or relationship counseling.
